The French are responsible for many splendid inventions: the bicycle, photography, cinema, the hot-air balloon, the little black dress and the baguette to name but a few. These items fit with the popular image of France. But there are other French creations that just seem plain wrong. Products that seem to be so entirely against the country’s values as to be absurd. Let’s have a look at some cuckoos in the nest as we ask “Are these inventions really French?”

Margarine

Invented by:  Hippolyte Mège-Mouriès, 1869

Should have been invented by:  The British

How on earth was this slimy, bland spread NOT invented by us Brits? I would have put money on it being concocted in a 1940s government laboratory, conceived to nourish a nation whose food intake was restricted by rationing. A tea of damp sliced bread smeared with rigid yellow fat, eaten as the mantlepiece ornaments rattle from the bombardments outside.

Butter is the foundation of French cuisine: all those sauces and pastries need golden, salty butter, – a gift from the cow gods. Margarine is fit only for slathering thickly on the body of a swimmer to stop them freezing during a cross-channel swim. That a French person is responsible for the invention of margarine is nothing short of treachery to traditional French cuisine. Shame on you, Hippolyte!

Etch-a-sketch

Invented by:  André Cassagnes, 1950s

Should have been invented by:  A member of the Soviet block

Cézanne. Matisee. Monet. Gauguin. Dégas. France is bulging with famous artists, and art. There are 130 museums in Paris alone – that’s FOUR TIMES more than there are branches of Gregg’s in Newcastle. So in a country that’s punching above its weight in all things arty, why on earth would someone invent a device that makes drawing – not just difficult – but downright infuriating? It is such an over-elaborate joy-sucking creation that one would assume it had been created by The Commission For Child Improvement Through Motorised Education Apparatus in 1960s Czechoslovakia, not in the land of the Impressionists.

The etch-a-sketch allows the user (an impatient child, me) to make a continuous line drawing by turning knobs that control a stylus on the underside of the screen. A continuous line drawing – yes, you have to meticulously plan ahead to draw something as simple as a house. This isn’t drawing, it’s programing. God forbid that you should make an error because there is no erase function. Well, there is, it’s throwing the damn thing at the wall.

Denim

Invented by:  Unknown but from the town of Nîmes, France

Should have been invented by:  USA! USA!

France has many claims to fashion fame – from the classic Chanel suit to Thierry Mugler’s power goddess dresses in the 80s – but denim? It’s a staple fabric of casual dressing, most commonly in jeans, which are hardly the stuff of French haute couture.

But denim is definitely French. Just look at the name: denim = de Nîmes (from Nîmes). This hardwearing material caught the eye of an early American trouser manufacturer who partnered with Levi Strauss to manufacture the iconic blue jeans. Strictly speaking, jeans have a mixed Franco-American heritage. Wouldn’t it be better if they were entirely from the States, with the fabric woven by homesteaders or crafted on a praerie by lonesome cowboys? Alternatively, I’d like to see France reclaiming serge de Nîmes with a blue denim Chanel suit.

Bikini

Invented by:  Louis Réard, 1946

Should have been invented by: Hawaiians, Californians?

This is personal prejudice speaking but where I live in France it’s cold for 8 months of the year, 2 months are pleasant, then the other 2 are so hot that you want to punch the sun. I get that life is different in the south but our closest beaches in Normandy are famous for military invasions, not swimwear, which is why I have difficulty with the concept of bikinis being French.

Bikinis emerged onto the cultural consciousness about the same time as surfing, and the two are linked in my mind. It makes far more sense that the bikini, like the surfboard, comes from a Polynesian nation, but became wildly popular after being discovered by vacationing Californians. That Brigitte Bardot should be the bikini’s cultural ambassador in Europe makes 100% sense, however.

Bagpipes

Invented by:  Many nations stake claim to bagpipes, including France

Should have been invented by:  THE SCOTS, ffs

Look, I’m not a very good Scot. I have no interest in discovering my clan tartan (it’s all made up for tourists, by the way), I don’t like whisky (Irn Bru is our real national drink) and I am an incompetent ceilidh dancer (stay away from me on wedding dance-floors). That said, I have an attachment to certain Scottish things, probably because we’re a small country with a limited cultural output: a David next to France’s Goliath. So when I saw that bagpipes were listed on Wikipedia as a French invention*, I confess to coming over all MacGlashan, the 90s Scottish nationalist in Absolutely who rails against the English for taking credit for Scottish inventions, real or imagined.

I don’t even like bagpipes. They wail, drone and shriek worse than a parliament full of MPs. They should be classified as instruments of torture, not music. But they’re our wretched noise-making devices. If France wants to make a hideous cacophony then they should stick with the accordion.

* Not all bagpipes, to be fair, just those developed in the Celtic parts of France.

Canning

Invented by:  Nicolas Appert, 1809

Should have been invented by: The Germans

It’s paradoxical that the country with the greatest reputation for food should also be indirectly responsible for some of the worst food atrocities known to mankind. I’m thinking specifically of all day breakfast in a can, described as “baked beans in tomato sauce with sausages, button mushrooms, chopped pork & egg nuggets with cereal and mini bacon burgers.” While the recipe can be blamed squarely on the British, the can itself is a French invention.

Of course, not all canned foods merit the abhorrence that decent-minded person experiences on encountering the ADBIAC. Tomatoes, tuna, chickpeas are more than decent having been encased in metal for months. And the principle behind canning – of food preservation and storage – is entirely admirable. The problem is that the culinary heights associated with France is at odds with the practical-mindedness that thought keeping food in cans would be a good idea. Are we sure tinned food wasn’t invented by a German?

The Olympics

Invented by:  Baron Pierre de Coubertin

Should have been invented by:  The Greeks, duh

The ancient Greeks absolutely invented the Olympics. They were held in Olympia, and male athletes from all over the Greek-speaking world came together to play sports naked. Huge success, everyone loved it for 1000 years or so. The games stopped because of HISTORY! And it wasn’t until the cusp of the twentieth century that a Frenchman had the idea of bringing them back. A reboot of a once-successful franchise, if you will. Only this time with clothes and ladies.

Scooter/moped

Invented by:  George Gauthier, 1908

Should have been invented by:  The Italians

Sure there are plenty of scooters whizzing around Paris, rivalled nowadays by those infuriating electric scooters that irritate me and my dog to distraction. But, generally speaking, shouldn’t the scooter or moped be the product of a far warmer climate? I always picture scooter riders to be wearing shorts and sandals, driving through narrow winding streets, balconies festooned with geraniums and laundry, neighbours’ voices calling from across the way, and the tang of the sea in the air. It’s the power of Vespa’s branding that brings this association to mind, and my lack of familiarity with the south of France where these imagined scenes could also easily take place. Either I need to spend some serious holiday time in St Tropez or scooters need to be reattributed to the Italians.

The clementine

Invented by:  Clément Rodier, 1902

Should have been invented by:  Nature

First of all, Monsieur Rodier, why did you invent a fruit? This is Nature’s job, not yours. Secondly, there is already an abundance of small orange-flavoured citrus fruit: tangerines, satsumas, mandarins… What’s the USP of your clementine? Oh, it’s small and sweet and peels easily? You’re describing literally all fruit. Next time, invent me a strawberry as big as a banana or don’t bother.